Depressed

I am having a bad moment. Missing my mom. Remembering last year when my mom officially found out she had lung cancer. Then, I watched the fireworks for the very last time with her. While watching, all I did was pray that she would have more 4th of July's.

Even though I am trying not to feel depressed at the moment, I do. Not only do my thoughts turn to last year, but other thoughts keep resurfacing. For example, I feel like people hide information from me. When I find out about something, for example, through the slip of the tongue or from someone outside the person keeping the information, it makes me feel alone.

I am very appreciative of those that call me, send me a card, etc. Yet, still, I feel alone. I ask to make plans with people. I feel I get the run around. They never get back to me as if they are putting off making plans or they keep themselves busy by continuing to making plans with others. I am not stupid or dumb. I wish people would stop treating me this way.

I don't know what to do. I joined a Meetup group a few years ago to make new friends, but no lasting relationships have come of it. I try to think positive and keep trying to find lasting relationships, even though I get hit in the face with nothing.

Besides trying to make lasting relationships, I gotta keep having faith that God will provide. I hope I can get away from the people who do not act like they care and move onto people that do.

One other thing, I need to stay away from people that wish to use me. I am not an aide, nor am I chauffeur. Plus, it seems if I back away from giving so much assistance, I lose the friendship. I am willing to help people anyway I can, but when one does not reciprocate, who wants to be put in that position? If I cannot do as much as they want me to do, are they really a friend?

Even venting tonight does not help. Another reason I miss my mom. She would not get angry with me for venting. Due to the loss of a friendship, I no longer want to vent to people. I want to keep how I feel more to myself. This makes me feel more alone.

God, please allow my pain to heal. Please help me find happiness.