What did I do wrong?

I have tried so hard to be a good person. I feel like most people have abandoned me.

All I want to do is be happy. Good friends, good family, a wonderful husband, and a healthy child. Maybe it is a lot to ask? I was on that track. What happened? I feel like I am all alone. Did I do something wrong?

I thought I was doing the right things. I obtained my bachelors and masters degrees. I help people whenever I can. I pray for better today's and tomorrows. All I want is the best for people.

I will admit. It has gotten harder since losing my mom. It seems that I am always asking everyone for help. I am sorry. I rather do things for myself and help others. It is the truth!

Will anyone find me loveable? Will anyone love me getting excited over the small things? Does anyone know how much I care about them?

Lord, please let people see the good in me!! Please!!!!

Autism Speaks Walk

On October 30, 2010, I will walk for my 11 year old cousin, Evan. He was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified) around the age of three and since has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.

Please join me in my efforts to support Walk Now for Autism Speaks!

Autism affects millions of people across the country. Autism Speaks - Walk Now for Autism is the signature fund-raising event of Autism Speaks and is the nation's largest Walk program dedicated to autism research.

I need you to help make tomorrow be about dance lessons, school lunches and first words rather than therapy, doctor appointments and despair. Together, we will find the missing pieces.

I am asking you to help by supporting my fundraising efforts with a donation. Your tax-deductible gift will make a difference. Together we can make a difference by advancing and accelerating autism research.

You can donate online to Walk Now for Autism using the links on this page. Check donations can also be mailed to Autism Speaks by clicking on “donation form”. If you prefer, please feel free to send me your donation (842 Mildred Avenue, Baltimore, MD 21222) whether cash or a check made out to AUTISM SPEAKS and I will make certain it’s handled properly. You may also contact me at 410-282-1905.

THANK YOU for taking an important step in the fight against autism.

Your gift is tax deductible to the extent allowed by the law.
Autism Speaks is a registered 501(c)3 organization. Our tax ID number is 20-2329938.

Matching gift program: Many companies provide their employees with matching gifts. Please consult your employer on its matching gift guidelines and attach matching gift forms accordingly.

Please join me in my fight to make a difference in the lives of the more than 1 million Americans living with autism today.

Thanks,
Lyda Marchiano

Ithaca by C.P.Cavafy (with Sean Connery & Vangelis)

Depressed

I am having a bad moment. Missing my mom. Remembering last year when my mom officially found out she had lung cancer. Then, I watched the fireworks for the very last time with her. While watching, all I did was pray that she would have more 4th of July's.

Even though I am trying not to feel depressed at the moment, I do. Not only do my thoughts turn to last year, but other thoughts keep resurfacing. For example, I feel like people hide information from me. When I find out about something, for example, through the slip of the tongue or from someone outside the person keeping the information, it makes me feel alone.

I am very appreciative of those that call me, send me a card, etc. Yet, still, I feel alone. I ask to make plans with people. I feel I get the run around. They never get back to me as if they are putting off making plans or they keep themselves busy by continuing to making plans with others. I am not stupid or dumb. I wish people would stop treating me this way.

I don't know what to do. I joined a Meetup group a few years ago to make new friends, but no lasting relationships have come of it. I try to think positive and keep trying to find lasting relationships, even though I get hit in the face with nothing.

Besides trying to make lasting relationships, I gotta keep having faith that God will provide. I hope I can get away from the people who do not act like they care and move onto people that do.

One other thing, I need to stay away from people that wish to use me. I am not an aide, nor am I chauffeur. Plus, it seems if I back away from giving so much assistance, I lose the friendship. I am willing to help people anyway I can, but when one does not reciprocate, who wants to be put in that position? If I cannot do as much as they want me to do, are they really a friend?

Even venting tonight does not help. Another reason I miss my mom. She would not get angry with me for venting. Due to the loss of a friendship, I no longer want to vent to people. I want to keep how I feel more to myself. This makes me feel more alone.

God, please allow my pain to heal. Please help me find happiness.

A career counselor wrote the following to me:

I think people understand that it's a difficult time for you and if they are true friends, they will lend you money for whatever activity and you can pay them back later (when you have a job again) or they will understand that you can't do some of the stuff they want to do but it's just temporary, it's not like you'll never have a job or money again.

I rather not anyone lend me money unless I am desperate, but it is how I feel about friendships.